Guilt

A while ago, I had a conversation with an older man, about 50 about Iraq. Being 22, I told him that I feel extreme guilt that so many from my generation are working in brutal conditions in Iraq. He didn't understand what I meant by guilt, and I probably will have as much trouble articulating it here as I did to him. The army is all-volunteer, but no one knows what it feels like to be at the moment of death. No one knows what it feels like to kill someone, to stab human flesch. I don't at least. President Bush doesn't.

Some of my generation serve in my army because they came from poorer families than me and didn't have many options for college or good work. Some still don't understand the truth about the Middle East because of a misleading president and an apathetic media.

All of them are incredibly brave. All of them are good people. And many of them will be stricken with mental illness. I wrote a letter to my local newspaper, the Daily Press, over my concerns of creating another war-torn generation of mentally ill people. I received hateful calls of people who thought I was a pussy; they thought I didn't get it. And I will grant them that I will never understand military thinking, but I do have an idea of the difference between normal and abnormal situations. Working on a construction site is normal. Working in a chaotic country, shooting at people who you can't tell are enemies or friends, having buddies die in your arms, is not a normal situation. And people will not act normally after coming back from such an abnormal situation. Strangely enough, the most informative pieces I have read on PTSD in Iraqi veterans has been from GQ magazine, which has done a couple of pieces on it.

You can talk about war and politics. But when you send a 20 year old over to the Middle East to fight, to die, to watch friends die, to kill, to witness and cause unnatural human death, how dare you talk like a cowboy or a macho bullshitter about how you're saving the world. You can't go from being a drunk, to a baseball team owner, to a governor, to president and just allow the destruction of my generation. How dare you. How dare you invoke God? God does not want this war. How dare you invoke freedom? You won't even let two people of the same sex marry. How dare you invoke preemption? Iraq could not even defend itself let alone attack us. How dare you invoke safety? How safe are my friends serving in Iraq? How safe are the ill without health insurance? The United States was not in danger from Iraq. American citizens now are in danger because of Iraq: because they are in Iraq.

I do wonder, why President Bush wanted to attack Iraq. I don't know why. And I wonder if he regrets it. I don't know.

I don't know how people cannot see a collosal mistake. I don't know how it was even possible for this administration to have demonized Hans Blix. This is a country without reason.

I do know that I want to help returning veterans, and I am not sure how.

Too Liberal or Too Lazy?

My question is: was the Democratic party too liberal in this past election, or did not enough liberal-minded people vote? Or are liberals not mindful enough of what conservatives fear to lose? Or are conservatives not mindful enough of what liberals fear not to gain?

I do not claim to understand completely conservative's resistance or fear of homosexuals. I do see that in middle America, people on hard times, living meagerly, all they have is a marriage and family. And when I say all they have I don't mean that in a denigrating way. I say it in a way that is envious. Afterall, who would you rather be, Ebenezer Scrooge or Bob Cratchit?

And I see myself and the gay community as lost in a pathless wood. Gay men as boys are sensitive, meek, and caring. As adolescents, they see a future of depravity, meaningless sexual encounters, and a dark community and future, one without permanent connection or any chance for posterity.

If anyone had any illusions about the hearts of gay people being deviant, you need not look farther than the barage of complaints of wanting normalized same sex relationships--cries for monagamy and the right to marry.

In our society it is more acceptable for two men to have sex in a public restroom than to hold hands in a park.

Wouldn't you be afraid to be gay too?

Gay people want what middle America wants: home, connection, love.

This life isn't a dress rehearsal. Before you go creating classes of citizens remember that we are all first human beings.

Why Kerry / Edwards Lost

Quite simply, Kerry / Edwards received less votes than Bush / Cheney.

But why?

Was it the catastrophic success in Iraq:

1,000 dead American citizens in Iraq.

100,000 dead Iraqi citizens.

$200 billion

instability, chaos, breeding ground for terrorists

giving a no-bid contract to halliburton ?

Was it because Bush reached out to all Americans:

• attempted the first constitutional amendment that would take away rights from a class of citizens, banning any future laws allowing gays to marry
• gave tax cuts to companies who outsource overseas ?

I could go on and on, but the fact is, it wasn't any of those reasons. The only reason is: too many people in red states are idiots. I volunteered handing out sample ballots at my polling place for the Kerry campaign. We were not trying to change anyone's mind; we were simply helping people understand how to vote.

A man came up to us and asked: are you with the Kerry campaign? I hadn't been up until an hour ago when I started handing out sample ballots, but I answered yes. My friend Katie was with me and answered yes as well. Ready to answer any questions he might have had, he said in a Clint Eastwood voice, "I'm here to tell you why I'm not voting for Kerry."

Perfect! Enlighten us!

He continued (accurately paraphrased):

I'm not voting for Kerry because this country is going to Hell in
a handbasket. You all should be ashamed of yourselves for associating with
homosexuals. It's disgusting. With all the problems we have, how am I supposed
to face my God and tell him that I voted for a man who associates with
homosexuals? You're just demons working for the devil.

There were many clever things I thought to say, but I didn't. I didn't want to have my beautiful face punched in--I don't think Clinique makes a product for that. I also didn't want to risk that he might be legally carrying a concealed weapon. So I said nothing. Katie was smart and said, "We're all God's children." I hear on the news tonight that the main issue for those who voted for Bush was "moral values." I guess I know what that means up close and personal now.

Bush directed the murder of about 400 Americans as governor of Texas under the guise of the death penalty. That doesn't meet my definition of moral behavior. Bush's father pulled rank and got his son into the National Guard to avoid the savage battle in Vietnamn that Kerry volunteered himself for. Bush couldn't even manage to show up for National Guard duty. Kerry received four Purple Hearts, yet those with moral values somehow managed to show that Kerry was the one without principle. So, Red America, I don't get you.

I do understand conservative principles. I have tried to open myself to hear them: small government, strong defense, keep government off your back. But, you didn't vote with those principles.

SMALL GOVERNMENT: You voted for a president who turned a $500 billion surplus into a $500 billion budget gap (a deficit that you pay interest on through your taxes). The federal debt has increased by over $2.5 trillion dollars (also money you pay interest on). This is a high rolling president.

STRONG DEFENSE: Al Qaeda attacked the US on 9/11. 17 of the 19 hijackers were from Saudi Arabia, Bush's old oil stomping grounds where he has many friends. The US did start to go after the Saudi Arabian based terrorist Osama Bin Laden, but prematurely evacuated the region he was in for a more pressing matter: Saddam Hussein, whose great claim to fame was once having
talked about assinating Bush's daddy. The US military is way too spread out, and the guards are being used as backup instead of for their intended purposes. Kerry wanted more troops on the ground; Bush thinks everything is OK.

KEEP GOVERNMENT OFF YOUR BACK: Bush doesn't want the government off your back. He wants church in your life. He wants public aid to be funneled through churches, and he has succeeded in doing that. He doesn't want gay people to make whoopy. He upheld Texas laws which were only in the '90s used to put people in jail for consensual sex. He tried to pass an amendment that would have taken away states' rights to decide marriage laws. I don't blame Bush. I blame all of those who were had. I have a few conservative friends who are all excited about this war in Iraq. They're macho. They think I am a pussy for not supporting it. They think I'm a fag. I think they need a reality check. I feel so much guilt knowing that if I were in a lower socio-economic range I might be dead or injured from having served in Iraq. I feel sick that my generation serving in Iraq didn't make enough money to be eligible for Bush's tax cuts. I feel sick knowing they are over there without direction and supplies to keep them safe. And I feel sick knowing they are there on the whim of some quixotic cowboy who has never known
what those young men and women will know.